Choking on art.

Every so often, I question this life I've chosen for myself. Things pile up, I get stressed out, and then I think...

"What am I doing? Have I made a mistake? Think about all of the debt my family & I are/will be in once I graduate. Why didn't I get a real job? Why couldn't I have followed a more secure, acceptable career?"

I'm at this point in the cycle again. I've been unemployed and worried. Going to school full time and save for a few inspirations, feeling the creep of burn-out breathing down my neck. I need an epiphany. A renaissance. I need a kick in the ass.

Tomorrow is someone's birthday, only they aren't here anymore. So what does this mean? What would Paul say to my overwhelming feelings of stress, anxiety, fear, doubt? I don't have an answer, but only a guess, based on the kind of person he was. He'd affirm his faith in me and my capabilities, he'd offer suggestions as to how I could be more efficient (practically and abstractly), and he'd show full support. He always did, as did/do the rest of my family. It's one thing when your family doesn't stand by you at all in your life endeavors- but it's another when they do, so much that they are willing to put themselves into debt- that is a tremendous amount of pressure on one's head.

I just want to do well, pay my & my families dues, and make a little living for myself- all while creating physical manifestations of the whirlwind that is inside my mind.

I hope I don't choke.